Better's Blinkist

Tag: personal-development

Published by Be Better November 26th, 2020

How To Have A Good Day

To have a more productive day, start by clearly laying out your intentions and goals.

First, clearly set out your intentions for each day and try to eliminate any activities you know tend to distract you from achieving them.

8 November, 2019 12:28 Share

Second, frame your goals in positive language. Goals framed positively can also be called approach goals – that is, goals that state the positive outcome you’re hoping to achieve, such as "make my product irresistible." The contrast to this would be an avoidance goal, like "stop losing customers."

8 November, 2019 12:30 Share

using approach goals improved their performance, whereas the opposite was true for those using avoidance goals.

8 November, 2019 12:34 Share

Manage overload, beat procrastination and stay focused by making a plan and scheduling enough breaks.

Crammed calendars and full to-do lists at work make it easy to feel overwhelmed. Let’s look at some of the ways to deal with these situations. First, the physical: lean back on a couch, exercise ball or even your office chair for a few minutes and focus on your breath until you’ve calmed down enough to think clearly.

8 November, 2019 12:36 Share

First, write down everything you need to do in the next few days or weeks. Mark the most important tasks and take one step toward completing that task today, no matter how small it is.

8 November, 2019 12:42 Share

What eventually worked for her was splitting the task into smaller steps, breaking it down into something like, "have a talk with my boss about my idea." Once she’d split up the big task into small, manageable steps, "election prep" became much less overwhelming and she was able to tackle it.

8 November, 2019 12:43 Share

When famed psychologist K. Anders Ericsson studied people at the top of their fields, like world-class violinists, athletes and chess players, he found that they also practiced in blocks of 90 minutes or less, with short breaks in between.

8 November, 2019 12:44 Share

Focus inevitably wavers throughout the day and needs to be recharged periodically. Over the course of 90 minutes, our brains go from highly focused to scatterbrained, which is why we end up doodling or playing on our phone if we’re forced to concentrate for longer.

8 November, 2019 12:44 Share

Surround yourself with pleasant relationships by building rapport with the people you meet and resolving tensions directly.

First, build rapport when you interact with someone at work. Don’t just awkwardly slip by them in the office kitchen when you’re both reaching for a mug – engage them and ask open questions like, "how are you spending your holidays?"

8 November, 2019 12:44 Share

Let’s take a look at a study conducted by sociologist Lauren Rivera from Northwestern University, where she asked recruiting managers about their most recent hires. She found that 74 percent admitted feeling some similarities with their new hires, whether it was based on a shared interest in sports, technology or something else. This indicates that managers prefer to hire and be around people with whom they share commonalities.

8 November, 2019 12:44 Share

For example, let’s take Simon, a real estate advisor who was annoyed with a client who kept promising him specific assignments but rarely followed through with them when the time came. Instead of reproaching his client or bottling up his frustration, Simon was up-front and communicated how he felt: "I’m confused because I received positive feedback from you, but didn’t get the project. Would you mind telling me what you were dissatisfied with and what I can do better next time?"

8 November, 2019 12:45 Share

This approach helped his client understand him without feeling attacked and getting defensive, and they ended up having an in-depth discussion about what the client was looking for.

8 November, 2019 12:45 Share

Address decisions systematically by using thinking routines and breaking down complex problems into an issue tree.

First, develop a versatile routine that helps you reach sound decisions in all manner of situations. The routine might be as simple as asking yourself a set of questions like, "what are the alternatives and potential disadvantages to this choice?" or "what would the worst-case scenario be, and what are some of my options if that happens?"

8 November, 2019 12:46 Share

Peggy is an advertising art director who developed a routine that works for her. Her trick is to always invite colleagues to give her feedback about her current work. While she doesn’t agree with them all the time, their input often helps her catch potential problems in her campaigns, thereby improving her decisions.

8 November, 2019 12:47 Share

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blinkist mindfulness-happiness personal-development
Published by Be Better November 26th, 2020

Digital Minimalism

For more meaningful leisure, embrace strenuous and virtuous hobbies and schedule low-quality activities.

As the legendary philosopher Aristotle pointed out, to live the good life, one must have the downtime needed for deep contemplation, for no other reason than to enjoy the activity itself. As Aristotle expert Kieran Setiya elaborates, activities that provide a "source of inward joy" are vital to a satisfying life

23 July, 2019 09:44 Share

Engaging physically with real, three-dimensional objects is also key, as Gary Rogowski points out in his book Craftsman. As such, poking your finger at a small screen is unlikely to ever be a truly satisfying or rewarding human endeavor. This is why one of the "leisure lessons" of digital minimalism is to engage with the physical world by applying skills and working to create things of value. And for this, technology can be a great aide. With the abundance of YouTube tutorials out there, you can easily spend a rewarding weekend either building your own wooden headboard or learning some basic techniques to become a weekend carpenter.

23 July, 2019 09:45 Share

Advice from the Attention Resistance includes downgrading your phone and using single-purpose devices.

Now, some people think it’s heretical to revert your computer to a single-function machine like early versions of Macs and PCs as if you were purposefully making your computer less powerful. But whether you make your computer run programs simultaneously or not has nothing to do with its power. In fact, you could say you’re making it more powerful, since you’ll be more productive while using it as a single-purpose device!

23 July, 2019 09:46 Share

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blinkist productivity personal-development
Published by Be Better November 26th, 2020

The Miracle Equation

The author first discovered the miracle equation in his early twenties.

After listening to Elrod’s presentation, she commented on what a lucky coincidence it was that he’d turned up at just that moment. She and her husband had agreed to buy a new set of knives after their US trip, and they were also looking for a present for her brother, a keen amateur cook. She bought two of Cutco’s "Ultimate Sets" on the spot. That was enough to push Elrod over his $20,000 target!

1 August, 2019 09:54 Share

Establishing unwavering faith is a conscious choice that both mentors and spirituality can support.

Well, it’s what people sometimes call a "leap of faith." That has two aspects. First, it’s a leap because there’s no other way of getting there – neither reason nor evidence provides a clear route to your destination. Secondly, it doesn’t come naturally. As we’ve seen, there are all kinds of obstacles to self-belief. That means it has to be consciously established in a moment of decision.

1 August, 2019 09:55 Share

What keeps miracle mavens going when they’re faced with rejection and setbacks is unwavering faith: the unshakeable belief that they possess the ability to make miracles. But where does that faith come from?

1 August, 2019 09:56 Share

Then there are mentors. Before discovering the miracle equation, the author struggled with confidence issues. His Cutco mentor Jesse Levine, however, had an unshakable belief in his protégé’s abilities. At first, Elrod thought Jesse had simply made a mistake. But over time, that unwavering faith began to rub off on Elrod. Maybe, he started thinking, Jesse was right after all. Eventually, he became convinced that he really was capable of doing anything he put his mind to!

1 August, 2019 09:57 Share

Learning to define yourself can help you overcome biological and social limitations.

That’s partly down to the way the adult human brain functions. When you get down to it, it’s a pretty ancient piece of our wiring. Like our prehistoric ancestors, we’re constantly scanning our environment for signs of danger. That’s rational enough if you’re a caveman – after all, if you’re not on your toes you might just end up being mauled by a mountain lion. Unfortunately, our brains aren’t very good at telling the difference between the anxiety triggered by a charging mammoth and, say, the prospect of moving to a new city for a job. That means we end up irra

1 August, 2019 09:58 Share

That’s partly down to the way the adult human brain functions. When you get down to it, it’s a pretty ancient piece of our wiring. Like our prehistoric ancestors, we’re constantly scanning our environment for signs of danger. That’s rational enough if you’re a caveman – after all, if you’re not on your toes you might just end up being mauled by a mountain lion. Unfortunately, our brains aren’t very good at telling the difference between the anxiety triggered by a charging mammoth and, say, the prospect of moving to a new city for a job. That means we end up irrationally rejecting opportunities.

1 August, 2019 09:58 Share

So how can we break out of these self-limiting patterns? Well, we need to start defining ourselves. That’s not so much about rejecting social labels as it is about refusing to see them as brakes on our capabilities. The author, for example, has been diagnosed with ADHD, but he refuses to let this diagnosis limit him. After all, ADHD makes focusing on tasks harder, but not impossible. And far from being a limit, it even has its upsides – after all, bouncing from one idea to the next can also be a highly effective creative strategy!

1 August, 2019 09:59 Share

The five-minute rule can help you achieve emotional peace when things go wrong.

That’s something he learned from his Cutco mentor Jesse Levine. By the time of the crash, Elrod had been applying it every day for nearly two years. Here’s how it works: it’s okay to feel bad when things go wrong, but not for more than five minutes. When you suffer a setback, you set a timer and do whatever you need to – scream, cry, kvetch or punch a wall. Then, when the time’s up, you say, "Can’t change it" aloud and move on.

1 August, 2019 09:59 Share

Wallowing

1 August, 2019 10:00 Share

emotional pain isn’t caused by external events that are beyond our control, but by our responses. Wallowing, in other words, is a choice that keeps us trapped in experiences we’re powerless to alter. Letting go and accepting them, by contrast, lets us move on. In Elrod’s case, it meant he could fully focus on his recovery and, eventually, regain the use of his legs.

1 August, 2019 10:00 Share

Extraordinary effort is all about consistency and commitment.

Consistency pays. Rather than using newfangled sales hacks, they were hitting their phones every day at the same time and making the same number of calls.

1 August, 2019 10:04 Share

Final summary

And that’s where the miracle equation comes in: unwavering faith plus extraordinary effort equals miracles. In everyday terms, that means learning to overcome inborn cognitive limits, embracing your true gifts and putting in the hours necessary to realize your desires and ambitions.

1 August, 2019 10:06 Share

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blinkist religion-spirituality personal-development
Published by Be Better November 26th, 2020

Learned Optimism

Optimists have a better immune system and are generally healthier.

Also, optimists encounter fewer negative life events than pessimists do, a phenomenon that researchers explain in terms of a pessimist’s passivity due to their conviction that they can't change anything. So if you're a pessimist, encountering an abundance of negative events, your body will have to suffer a lot of stress, which in turn can lead to disease. Thirdly, optimistic people find it easier to sustain friendships, and friendship is beneficial to our health. This is because having a friend that you can confide in and discuss anything and everything with actually eases the stress generated by negative life events.

9 September, 2019 11:07 Share

Optimism is also very useful in your professional life.

An important part of a sales agent's work is cold calling, which typically ends in a lot of refusals. Only those agents who continued to call at least ten leads a day, no matter how many rejections they received, became successful. The others usually quit. In addition to the already extensive selection process, Seligman measured the optimism of prospective sales agents. He proceeded to hire agents that underperformed slightly on the standard industry tests (which measured the applicant's "aptitude" to become a sales agent) but scored very highly in optimism.

9 September, 2019 11:10 Share

You can change your self-talk by using the ABC technique.

Once you have found a few ABCs in your life, you are then in a position to change them. It's crucial to realize at this point that the beliefs you've recorded will largely determine the consequences.

9 September, 2019 11:11 Share

Try to understand the connection between A, B and C, and change where appropriate.

Our beliefs about a situation will determine both its consequences and how we feel about the situation. So, by changing our beliefs, we also change these consequences and our feelings. While it's difficult to ascertain which of our beliefs are "true," it's clear that how we think about negative events greatly influences how they affect us.

9 September, 2019 11:12 Share

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blinkist mindfulness-happiness personal-development
Published by Be Better November 26th, 2020

The Talent Code

Deep practice consists of "chunking up" the task, i.e., repeating it and looking for difficulties.

Second, deep practice requires time, since increasing a particular skill demands a lot of repetition. The more we repeat a task, the more precise and quick the action will become, because the myelin layer surrounding the relevant circuit thickens. Third, engaging in deep practice means making things a little difficult for yourself while practicing. Because repeating something you already know inside out doesn’t improve your skill. Instead, you must always practice just beyond the limits of your ability.

5 September, 2019 02:56 Share

We need an external cue – ignition – to motivate us to develop a skill over the long term.

While we might believe that a person’s talent must’ve stemmed from their innate interest in their skill early on in life, usually, their initial motivation to acquire that skill was triggered by some external force. As we’ve seen, to become skilled at something, we need to engage in deep practice. Because this practice is very difficult, it requires us to be extremely motivated to improve. One such motivator is ignition, an external cue that triggers our desire to become skilled at something, and convinces us that it’s possible to achieve if we work hard for it.

5 September, 2019 02:56 Share

Some types of coaches serve ignition and some serve deep practice.

One study has shown that many talented people (especially pianists, tennis players and swimmers) had just average coaches in their early years. While this might seem unusual, it makes sense. For example, if you’re learning to play piano as a child, you need – above all – motivation to keep practicing hard. While a teacher who focuses on deep practice can be effective for already skilled and motivated players, beginners would do better with, say, a friendly teacher who makes them feel good about themselves, rewards them with treats for working hard, and encourages them to learn their favorite songs. This type of approach is far more likely to ignite a person’s motivation in their early years.

5 September, 2019 02:58 Share

Master coaches need a vast knowledge of their field and the ability to meet the individual needs of their students.

A master coach – that is, one who can successfully connect deep practice and ignition – must connect their technical knowledge with the needs of the individual student. The goal of all coaches is to assist the student in reaching a state of deep practice, yet every student is unique and requires an equally specific coaching style.

5 September, 2019 02:58 Share

In his research, the author noticed that most coaches didn’t yell or even talk very much, but rather provided simple, precise instructions, e.g., "adjust that movement" or "try this instead." Clarity of information is crucial to deep practice because, by following such instructions, the students’ nerves are fired, thickening the myelin layer and thus strengthening the circuits involved in executing the skill. Without such clear and precise instructions, any technical knowledge a coach has can’t be translated into concrete results. Just as the instructions of a physical trainer must be clear for their knowledge to lead to you building stronger muscles, coaches in any given field must be clear and precise in their directions in order for their technical knowledge to result in your myelin growth.

5 September, 2019 02:58 Share

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Published by Be Better November 26th, 2020

Atomic Habits

Small habits can have a surprisingly powerful impact on your life.

If you want to make a positive change in your life, you should recognize that change requires patience, as well as confidence that your habits are keeping you on the right trajectory – even if you aren’t seeing immediate results.

22 May, 2019 23:09 Share

The key to making big changes in your life doesn’t have to involve major upheaval; you don’t need to revolutionize your behavior or reinvent yourself. Rather, you can make tiny changes to your behavior, which, when repeated time and time again, will become habits that may lead to big results.

22 May, 2019 23:10 Share

Building new habits requires hard-to-miss cues and a plan of action.

Just take the work of Boston-based doctor Anne Thorndike. She wanted to improve her patients’ dietary habits without requiring them to make a conscious decision. How did she pull this off? She had the hospital cafeteria rearranged. Originally, the refrigerators next to the cash registers contained only soda. Thorndike introduced water, not only there, but at every other drink station. Over three months, soda sales dropped by 11 percent, while water sales shot up by 25 percent. People were making healthier choices, just because the cue to drink water rather than soda was more prominent. So simple changes to our environment can make a big difference. Want to practice guitar? Leave the instrument out in the center of the room. Trying to eat healthier snacks? Leave them out on the counter, instead of in the salad drawer. Make your cues as obvious as possible, and you’ll be more likely to respond to them.

24 May, 2019 00:05 Share

Humans are motivated by the anticipation of reward, so making habits attractive will help you stick to them.

A great technique for this is temptation bundling. That’s when you take a behavior that you think of as important but unappealing and link it to a behavior that you’re drawn to – one that will generate that motivating dopamine hit.

24 May, 2019 23:08 Share

If you want to build a new habit, make that habit as easy to adopt as possible.

The first is to focus on reducing friction.

26 May, 2019 22:22 Share

You can also use this approach to increase friction for bad habits

26 May, 2019 22:22 Share

The principle is that any activity can be distilled into a habit that is doable within two minutes. Want to read more? Don’t commit to reading one book every week – instead, make a habit of reading two pages per night. Want to run a marathon? Commit to simply putting on your running gear every day after work.

26 May, 2019 22:23 Share

Making your habits immediately satisfying is essential to effective behavior change.

Our brains, though, evolved to cope with the immediate-return environment of earlier humans, who weren’t thinking about long-term returns like saving for retirement or sticking to a diet. They were focused on immediate concerns like finding their next meal, seeking shelter and staying alert enough to escape any nearby lions.

27 May, 2019 22:54 Share

So when you are pursuing habits with a delayed return, try to attach some immediate gratification to them.

27 May, 2019 22:54 Share

Create a framework to keep your habits on track, using trackers and contracts.

You, too, can develop a habit tracker, using a simple calendar or diary, and crossing off every day that you stick with your chosen behaviors. You’ll find it effective, because habit tracking itself is an attractive, and satisfying, habit. The anticipation and action of crossing off each day will feel good and keep you motivated.

30 May, 2019 02:36 Share

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Published by Be Better September 28th, 2020

Grit

What’s in it for me? Get inspired to pull up your sleeves and get to work!

We are constantly being told that we should persevere and soldier on, even if at first it seems too hard. Despite all this emphasis on working hard and keeping at it, however, we don’t really believe that it will get us to the top. In our heart of hearts, we know that it’s talent, not perseverance, that gets people to the top. But this way of thinking is misguided. Talent is overrated. What you really need is grit and determination. Think this assertion seems a bit naive? Well, these blinks provide the arguments to back it up. After reading them, you’ll be in no doubt of just how important hard work truly is.

28 September, 2020 02:07 Share

Even though we like to say that hard work is the key to success, we have a natural-talent bias.

if we’re being honest with ourselves, what we truly believe is that talent trumps hard work.

28 September, 2020 02:08 Share

In the same 2011 study, the musical experts were played two recordings and told that one was a naturally talented musician, while the other represented years of hard work. While the experts had said they favored hard work, they overwhelmingly chose the naturally talented musician as being superior. But here’s the catch: the experts were played identical piano pieces by the same musician! This kind of self-deception happens in the business world as well.

28 September, 2020 02:08 Share

Tsay’s study also looked at the experiences of entrepreneurs and found that the hard-working ones required several years more experience and at least $40,000 more in start-up capital in order to compete against the naturally gifted. More often than not, if a candidate is presented as having a natural talent for connecting with people, they’ll be considered more valuable than someone who has worked hard to build up a network of colleagues.

28 September, 2020 02:09 Share

Effort is twice as valuable as talent, something people with an initial lack of talent often discover.

Effort not only leads to skill; it also leads to results, which makes effort twice as important as talent! You can look at it like an equation: To determine your level of skill, you take your talent in a given field and multiply it by the amount of effort you put in. So, Talent × Effort = Skill.

28 September, 2020 02:10 Share

But when it comes to getting results, you have to put that skill back into the equation. And, once again, the results are going to depend on the amount of effort you put in. So, this time, Skill × Effort = Achievement. You can also look at it in terms of athletics. Even if you’re naturally talented, you still have to put in the effort to practice and develop your skill. If you want to win Olympic gold, for instance, it’s almost completely pure effort that’s going to get you there.

28 September, 2020 02:10 Share

Irving ends up writing and rewriting up to ten drafts of his novels, but he knows that his grit and hard work will pay off. The results speak for themselves: his novel The World According to Garp won the National Book Award in 1978.

28 September, 2020 02:10 Share

By creating and sticking to low-level goals, you can realize long-term goals and keep your dreams alive.

Conventional wisdom says that we should do what we love. But, more importantly, you need to stay committed to doing what you love. Giving yourself small daily chores is a good way to keep up your levels of effort.

28 September, 2020 02:11 Share

Without incorporating these small goals into your everyday life, the big goal will remain frustratingly out of reach. However, having a larger dream and vision in place is important for providing meaning and inspiration in your day-to-day life.

28 September, 2020 02:11 Share

During this career, Seaver orchestrated everything in his life to make sure he kept his goal of pitching alive and well. This meant staying in the shade if he was traveling through a sunny climate since a sunburn on his pitching arm could really interfere with this goal. This is what being loyal to your goal looks like. Seaver’s success was the result of a simple aim.

28 September, 2020 02:12 Share

It is important to choose work that interests you, but don’t let unrealistic expectations get in the way.

Schwartz noticed that this impractical outlook has seeped into both their professional and romantic lives. When it comes to jobs and love, he’s found that today’s young adults are under the impression that there’s one unique and perfect match out there waiting for them, and anything else is simply a waste of time. Today’s generation should know that, in reality, there are many jobs and partners out there that could be the basis for a successful relationship or career. And once you have found that career or partner, don’t forget the importance of sticking with it in order to successfully reach your personal and professional goals.

28 September, 2020 02:22 Share

today’s generation are especially prone to having unrealistic and starry-eyed expectations for what lies ahead.

28 September, 2020 02:23 Share

Be smart about how you practice and avoid getting stuck on autopilot.

People who practice always have more success at mastering a new skill than people who put in no effort at all. That said, cognitive psychologist Anders Ericsson has discovered that the key to this success is intelligent practice. Consider athletics. Successful runners don’t practice with vague goals in mind; they are precise and keep a close eye on every detail of their runs, including keeping track of how their body is responding and the distance they’re covering. Their goals are also precise; they attempt to run 100 meters further than last time, to reach a specific speed by the end of the month or to ease the tension in their shoulders during practice.

28 September, 2020 02:24 Share

It wasn’t until the doctor was pulled aside and told to take a moment – to think and intelligently reflect about what he was doing – that he got it right and began seeing good results. It can be easy to simply put your head down, get to work and end up on autopilot with the assumption that you’ll inevitably end up reaping the rewards of your practice time. But that won’t happen until you stop and reflect on precisely what it is you need to improve and start practicing smart.

28 September, 2020 02:25 Share

Finding purpose in your work is a great motivator, but finding your true calling can take time.

These zookeepers identify their work as a calling, and, as a result, their job gives them a greater sense of purpose in life and the belief that they are contributing to making the world a better place. This also means they are more willing to work overtime and stay on duty to tend to sick animals. If you haven’t found your true calling yet, don’t worry. It can take time and you might even find it while you’re doing something else.

28 September, 2020 02:26 Share

Teachers and parents can help ensure future success by rewarding hard work more than natural talent.

Rather than crushing someone’s hopes, remind children that skill can be achieved through hard work and that grit and determination bring rewards.

28 September, 2020 02:26 Share

It turned out that teachers who placed an emphasis on ranking students according to their grades were setting a bad example for the kids. These children would end up thinking that their level of intelligence was predetermined, and ended up preferring safe tasks that didn’t challenge them.

28 September, 2020 02:27 Share

If the parents and teachers simply tell children that they need to work harder, they will get motivated and achieve better results.

28 September, 2020 02:28 Share

Grit is a valued characteristic in some cultures and successful businesses.

Finnish psychologist Emilia Lahti takes sisu very seriously and has researched what it means to the Finns. After surveying a thousand Finnish people, she found that 83 percent thought that sisu is a characteristic that is learned and not an innate quality. And, just as grit can be learned, it can also be instilled as a virtue in a company.

28 September, 2020 02:28 Share

Final summary

It is true that you should do something you love, but the fact is that you will always hit rough patches. Hard work can lead to procrastination and doubt, and that’s where grit comes in. With determination and resolve, you can motivate yourself to keep working toward your goals and persevere through the toughest of times.

28 September, 2020 02:29 Share

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Published by Be Better June 1st, 2020

Daring Greatly

What’s in it for me?

Whether it’s a parent scolding you for doing something wrong, or your boss publicly calling you out on making a mistake, we’ve all had feelings of shame at one time or another. In fact, shame seems like an inherent part of the human condition. But did you know that shame is actually very harmful, and stops us from living up to our full potential?

1 June, 2020 05:50 Share

In this book, you will find out what exactly shame is and where it arises from. You will discover how it engenders a feeling of unworthiness and how it is endemic in our culture. You’ll also discover the cure for feelings of shame: vulnerability. Vulnerability means the willingness to openly admit failures and weaknesses, and it will help you build up resilience to feelings of shame, and be happier with what you have.

1 June, 2020 05:50 Share

If you then manage to build a culture of vulnerability at work, at school and at home, you’ll rid those places of shame, and find that it results in more creativity, more engagement and healthier families.

1 June, 2020 05:50 Share

Shame is the fear of social disconnection; it’s only human, but harmful nonetheless.

We’ve all experienced shame. And most of us know that shame is triggered by our perception of what others think of us. But to truly understand how shame works, we need to look at a basic human need for connection, love and belonging. As "social animals," we’re wired to seek the company of others;belonging to a group has always been crucial to our survival. In the Stone Age, for example, group members would attack any intruders to protect each other. This need is so strong that socially disconnection causes real pain – one that neuroscience has shown is reinforced by our brain chemistry.

1 June, 2020 05:51 Share

So what's behind our feelings of shame? The belief that we're not worthy of the love, connection and belonging that we need to survive. And if we feel this way, whatever we do or accomplish in our lives will not be enough to satisfy that basic need.

1 June, 2020 05:52 Share

In her research, the author discovered that shame weakens our ability to believe we can improve ourselves. Other researchers also have found that shame leads only to negative, destructive behavior; in blunt terms, shame has zero positive effects. So, although it's only human to feel shame once in a while, the adoption of shame-related behavior in our society is worrying.

1 June, 2020 05:53 Share

Shame is part of our current culture and it promotes a fear of unworthiness – of never having or being enough.

In a world pervaded by social media, we're constantly presenting ourselves and our lives to the public. We share our holiday pictures, the number of "friends" we have or our professional accomplishments for everyone to see – and to envy. Such envy often leads to a feeling of scarcity that we've all felt occasionally – perhaps as we listened to a friend's exotic adventures, or as we gazed longingly at things we could never afford. This is our "never-enough" culture: we live in constant fear that we're not, or we don't have, enough.

1 June, 2020 05:53 Share

When we cannot heal, a fear of scarcity takes over the function performed by "post-traumatic stress." Rather than overcoming the trauma by processing it – which requires vulnerability – we try to numb the fear by seeking to acquire more things, and to be more. The root of this behavior is the false belief that accumulating things or endlessly improving ourselves will shield us from the uncontrollable misfortunes of life. This never-enough thinking kickstarts a cycle of comparison, shame and disengagement.

1 June, 2020 05:54 Share

So feelings of shame and disconnection are rife and harmful in our society. But how can we leave this destructive path? Next, you'll find out about ways to overcome shame by embracing one’s vulnerability.

1 June, 2020 05:54 Share

Vulnerability is the core of all emotions and by no means a sign of weakness.

If you ask people what they think of vulnerability, probably very few of them would consider it positive. We've been raised in a world where being vulnerable is associated with failure and disappointment, while success and strength are considered more important than connecting with our feelings. But if we analyze what vulnerability really is, then we arrive at entirely different conclusions. First, vulnerability is neither good nor bad. Rather, being vulnerable simply means you have the capacity to experience emotions. And though we often associate vulnerability with dark emotions, like fear, grief or sadness, vulnerability is, in fact, also the root of our positive emotions: love, joy, empathy and so on.

1 June, 2020 05:55 Share

For the author, vulnerability means uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure. You might love someone, for example, and in doing so expose yourself emotionally; but you can never be certain that they'll reciprocate, thus you risk being rejected. Like any other feeling, love entails vulnerability. Second, allowing yourself to be vulnerable shows strength and courage – not weakness. If we expose ourselves, it means we make ourselves vulnerable. It also means, though, that we're being courageous; it's much easier to avoid all possibility of failure than to take a risk

1 June, 2020 05:57 Share

We all want love and connection in our lives. What we must fully understand is that such positive feelings are rooted in our vulnerability. If we can accept this fact, and embrace our vulnerability, we can use it to our benefit in both our private and professional lives.

1 June, 2020 05:57 Share

Instead of ignoring our vulnerability, we should embrace it to improve ourselves and our relationships.

Vulnerability is commonly understood as a negative quality, yet it's an essential quality of being human – an integral part of who we are. So how can we deal with our inherent vulnerability in a positive and constructive way? Simple: embrace it. Embracing our vulnerability can help us to learn and develop, both professionally and socially.

1 June, 2020 05:59 Share

In terms of our social development, embracing vulnerability allows us to both experience our emotions authentically and be empathic, enabling us to connect with others. Just as you'd appreciate others being open and honest with you, your vulnerability and willingness to share your feelings and thoughts will be received positively. Indeed, the moments we feel most connected to others are usually those in which we opened up to someone and experienced their empathy.

1 June, 2020 06:00 Share

In terms of professional development, it's only by taking risks and daring to expose our work and ideas to external criticism that we can improve ourselves. If you practice only what you know you're good at, you of course avoid the risk of failure, but you also miss out on a potential new experience. Failing means that we're learning something new.

1 June, 2020 06:00 Share

But what if you don't want to embrace your vulnerability? If you ignore your vulnerability, or you're simply unaware of it, you might end up increasing it. As one study demonstrated, people who believed themselves to be invulnerable to the persuasive power of advertising were, in fact, the most susceptible to it; participants claiming to be unaffected by commercials responded more to them than those who acknowledged their own suggestibility. Clearly, vulnerability is nothing we need to combat, but instead a central part of our emotional lives. If we acknowledge its existence, vulnerability can become a positive instrument.

1 June, 2020 06:01 Share

By understanding and verbalizing our shame, we build a resilience to it and experience others' empathy instead.

We've all wished sometimes for the ground to open and swallow us up, shielding us from the judgmental glances and suppressed laughter of others. And often the feeling of shame is more painful to us than whatever it is we're ashamed about. Shame can certainly be awful. So how can we resolve it? Talking about our feelings of shame and naming them often diminishes their power. In fact, verbalizing our shame actually makes us resilient to it.

1 June, 2020 06:02 Share

This is because shame gains power through being unspeakable: the less we talk about it, the more control it has over our lives. The problem is that it's natural for us to keep our shame to ourselves. Shame doesn't even require the presence of other people: most of us are likely to be our own worst critic, and maintain a stockpile of shame to draw from. But if we generate enough self-compassion, we're able to endure shameful experiences not only without feeling crushed, but to also emerge on the other side as more engaged and courageous.

1 June, 2020 06:03 Share

This is because shame gains power through being unspeakable: the less we talk about it, the more control it has over our lives. The problem is that it's natural for us to keep our shame to ourselves. Shame doesn't even require the presence of other people: most of us are likely to be our own worst critic, and maintain a stockpile of shame to draw from. But if we generate enough self-compassion, we're able to endure shameful experiences not only without feeling crushed, but to also emerge on the other side as more engaged and courageous. In other words, we make ourselves shame-resilient.

1 June, 2020 06:03 Share

When we're resilient to shame, in situations where we'd normally feel shame we can instead feel the empathy of others. Since we feel shame only when we fear others' opinions of us, we can become resilient to it by reaching out and verbalizing it. In doing so, others can then understand our fears and emotions, leading them to empathize with us, and we can then replace any feelings of shame with those of received empathy. We've all experienced the relief of opening up to others, our problems melting away as we begin to feel understood. This is a truly powerful weapon against shame. Gaining resilience towards shame is just the first step on our way to embracing vulnerability and to living a more engaged and connected life

1 June, 2020 06:04 Share

If we feel satisfied with what we are and have, we'll dare to stop hiding our vulnerability.

It's natural, and common, to want to improve ourselves or acquire more. This desire stems not only from a general competitiveness, but also from the need to shield ourselves from harm. "If only we were rich/successful/popular enough," we tell ourselves, "we'd be immune to pain and disappointment." In other words, behind wanting to be and have more is our hope that we can rid ourselves of vulnerability. In reality, vulnerability cannot be overcome, only hidden. Most people are so uncomfortable with their vulnerability, that they try to mask it from others, and even themselves.

2 June, 2020 05:35 Share

How do we hide it? Through behavioral patterns like perfectionism, "foreboding joy" and numbing ourselves with alcohol and other drugs. For example, we've all experienced joyful moments that turned sour because we began to imagine something bad would happen. We do this to galvanize ourselves against the (imagined) impending doom, rather than remain vulnerable to the feeling of joy itself.

2 June, 2020 05:36 Share

Perfectionism works the same way: we strive for perfection to shield ourselves from the possibility of failure. But if instead of allowing our fear of never-enough to take over, we start accepting that we are and have enough already, this will enable us to unmask ourselves and reveal our vulnerability. For example, by ridding ourselves of the unreachable goal of perfection, we're able to open ourselves up to possible criticism or failure without letting it define who we are. Similarly, instead of ruining happy moments by imagining the worst, we can accept that we're worthy of that momentary joy. We should be grateful in those very real happy moments, not afraid of imagined tragedy.

2 June, 2020 05:37 Share

So, by being satisfied with what we are and have, we're able to embrace our vulnerability, freeing us to lose the masks that only serve to harm us. Without such masks, we can finally see ourselves, and be seen by those around us. Next, you’ll read about how a culture of vulnerability can be beneficial at work, at school and at home.

2 June, 2020 05:38 Share

An atmosphere of shame is toxic to any workplace or school.

But anyone who's been under the threat of being publicly shamed knows all too well the hazardous effects it can have on one's productivity. First, shame can lead to disengagement. If we're forced to work or learn in a shame-based environment, at some point we stop being emotionally invested because feeling shame disconnects us from our surroundings. As a result, we probably won't work as hard anymore – or we might even disengage completely by quitting.

2 June, 2020 05:40 Share

Second, such disengagement threatens creativity, innovation and learning. Whether at work or at school, if you want to come up with a creative new idea, or an unusual but effective solution to a problem, you have to feel involved in what you're doing. If, through being shamed, you become disengaged, this leads to disinterest and inaction, holding you back not only from being involved but also from learning about and improving yourself. Indeed, no workplace or school can function without creativity and innovation.

2 June, 2020 05:42 Share

As you can see, an atmosphere of shame in our workplaces and schools is harmful and counterproductive. It's clear that if they want to remain effective and productive, companies and schools should adopt or develop an alternative set of motivational strategies – for instance, by encouraging vulnerability.

2 June, 2020 05:42 Share

Leaders in education, work and society as a whole should combat disengagement by encouraging vulnerability over shame.

Changing general patterns in society always requires engaged individuals taking the first steps. Whether influential employers or managers, teachers or parents, they can all play their part in introducing a culture of vulnerability into our society. There are symptoms of shame culture in almost every workplace or school. You might've heard, for example, of extreme cases in which employees' failures were displayed publicly in the office. In one incident, company employees were shamed into trading offices, and other methods of public humiliation have been used too. However, these behavioral patterns can be transformed so that people are encouraged to accept their vulnerability. Such a culture of worthiness and openness towards vulnerability can combat shame-based problems, and if we learn to engage our own vulnerability we can transfer the same values and concepts to our workplaces, schools, and families.

2 June, 2020 05:44 Share

The power to embrace vulnerability on a professional and societal level lies in the hands of leaders – those in responsible and influential positions – and, by doing so, they can rehumanize education and work. For instance, if you're the head of a division, you probably have more possibilities to shape the behavioral patterns of that division, and thus combat shame, than other employees do. And it's in your best interests to do so: the success of your whole division – and thus your success – will be connected to every change that you encourage. Furthermore, if you, as a person of influence, express problems you're experiencing, or ask for help, this can create an atmosphere of trust, in which vulnerability is not frowned upon, but instead used to improve the working and learning environment. Work, family, schools – all these places suffer from symptoms of shame and disengagement, but they can be turned around by a culture of worthiness and by embracing vulnerability.

2 June, 2020 05:45 Share

Engaged and involved parenting in a shame-free environment will help children develop a sense of their worthiness.

We want only the best for our children. So if we wish for them to lead engaged, connected lives, we have to teach them the underlying principles of worthiness and vulnerability. Firstly, we must consider that children experience shame as trauma. Shameful incidents early on in children's lives can influence not only childhood, but the rest of their lives too. Just think about times when you felt shame in your own childhood. Are they still vivid to you? On the other hand, if children don't experience shame, they feel worthy because they are loved unconditionally and sense that they belong.

3 June, 2020 05:37 Share

Family should be a place where we can truly be ourselves. For our children to grow up with a deep-rooted sense of worthiness and know they're good enough as they are, they need a shame-free home environment. It's far easier for them to learn to love themselves if they are loved unconditionally by their families. This is exactly why, as parents, we must teach our children shame resilience; we do so by being involved and engaged parents, but also by accepting our own worthiness. Creating such an atmosphere requires parents to act as role models, committing themselves to the norms and values of worthiness that they want their children to inherit, instead of simply preaching them. This creates an open and consistent atmosphere for our children to develop in. Put simply, if parents want to teach their children that they're worthy, they must first accept their own worthiness. No child can inherit a quality from a parent that the parent does not actually possess.

3 June, 2020 05:37 Share

Final summary

To live a shame-free life, we must learn to love ourselves unconditionally and to rely on our inherent worthiness when interacting with friends, family and colleagues. In doing so, we dare to be vulnerable because failure and rejection cannot diminish our sense of worthiness. By embracing our vulnerability, by putting ourselves out there and being engaged, we can establish deeper relationships with others and change our private and work lives for the better.

3 June, 2020 05:39 Share

How does shame work? Shame is the fear of social disconnection; it’s only human, but harmful nonetheless. Shame is part of our current culture and it promotes a fear of unworthiness – of never having or being enough.

3 June, 2020 05:40 Share

What is vulnerability and why is it the solution to the problem of shame? Vulnerability is the core of all emotions and by no means a sign of weakness. Instead of ignoring our vulnerability, we should embrace it to improve ourselves and our relationships.

3 June, 2020 05:40 Share

How do we get from shame to vulnerability? By understanding and verbalizing our shame, we build a resilience to it and experience others' empathy instead. If we feel satisfied with what we are and have, we'll dare to stop hiding our vulnerability.

3 June, 2020 05:41 Share

How does a culture of vulnerability benefit our work, education and families? An atmosphere of shame is toxic to any workplace or school. Leaders in education, work and society as a whole should combat disengagement by encouraging vulnerability over shame. Engaged and involved parenting in a shame-free environment will help children develop a sense of their worthiness.

3 June, 2020 05:41 Share

blinkist.com

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blinkist psychology personal-development sex-relationships
Published by Be Better March 30th, 2020

Your Best Year Ever

What’s in it for me? Make your New Year’s resolutions stick.

In these blinks, you’ll discoverwhy it’s good to develop an addiction;the author’s greatest failure; andwho was first to run a mile in under four minutes.

30 March, 2020 01:33 Share

Your life is made up of ten areas that need to be worked on simultaneously.

Measuring your progress in ten areas of your life will allow you to see what you need to improve.These interrelated aspects are mental health, physical health, spirituality, intellectual life, marriage or partnerships, parental life, friendships, job, hobbies and personal finances. These components are key to living a fulfilling life, which is why it’s important to work consistently on improving them.

30 March, 2020 01:33 Share

rank yourself from zero to ten on each of the aspects previously mentioned. This way you will be able to identify the areas in greatest need of improvement and regularly mark your progress by comparing the results. Moreover, it will give you a clear indication as to where you should be focusing your efforts.

30 March, 2020 01:34 Share

These ten aspects are connected to and influenced by one another, and therefore improvements in one area will most likely result in growth in other areas as well.For instance, a relaxing home life will allow you to concentrate better at work, while a rich social life will lead to a higher chance of meeting a partner.Likewise, performing poorly on certain aspects could have negative impacts on other areas too. You may lack energy in the workplace if you’re not physically healthy, while not having any hobbies could negatively affect your marriage.

30 March, 2020 01:34 Share

Mental blocks may stand in our way, but we can learn to overcome them.

Most of us lug around a lot of baggage, or mental blocks, that determine what is and isn’t possible for us to achieve.One such mental block is false assumptions. Humans continuously make assumptions about the world and themselves. These are often wrong and create a barrier to our progression. These assumptions can be thoughts, such as "You’re not the creative type," "You’re ugly," "You can’t hold down a job," or "The recession means nobody will buy your product." These are almost always self-inflicted and objectively untrue in most cases.

31 March, 2020 05:56 Share

Pilots once thought it impossible to fly faster than the speed of sound, and athletes believed that no human could run a mile in under four minutes. The ones that broke through and achieved the seemingly unthinkable are those who dispensed with the negative narrative and went about proving that it was, in fact, possible.This is the mentality that former United States Air Force general officer Charles Elwood "Chuck" Yeager had when he broke the sound barrier in 1947. In 1954, athlete Roger Bannister also ignored the impossible narrative by running a mile in three minutes and 59 seconds. By dispelling common knowledge about physical limitations, both Yeager and Bannister succeeded where others had failed. Since then, numerous airplanes have broken the sound barrier, and many runners have recorded one-mile runs in under four minutes, now that the perceived limits have been surpassed.By revising the perceived limits, not only can you improve yourself, but you can even change the world.

31 March, 2020 05:57 Share

In 1963, it was the belief of many that the civil rights movement wouldn’t amount to anything. Most said that non-violent efforts would never achieve change and that racism was far too deeply ingrained in American society for anything to be done about it. Dr. Martin Luther King, however, refused to take these perceived beliefs as undeniable truths and led a peaceful protest march of 200,000 people to Washington, where he gave his famous "I Have a Dream" speech. With this speech, King replaced the taken-for-granted worldview with an alternative perspective – knocking down the mental blocks in many American minds and opening them up to change.

31 March, 2020 05:57 Share

Instead of letting past failures derail you, learn from them and grow.

It might’ve been a primary school teacher who told us we’re hopeless at art, or it could’ve been last month’s failed attempt at dieting. Whatever the case, past experiences can contribute to our negative thinking and keep us from moving ahead.A bad experience in the past can affect our confidence in future circumstances.A good example of this is comparing the 80% of teenagers who make New Year’s resolutions to the 30% who do so aged 60 and older. This discrepancy is because the older people get, the more failures and setbacks they’ve experienced, and so they are less optimistic about their desires coming true. But this is a false assumption, and you shouldn’t let past experiences affect your actions in the future.Instead, use those previous failures as useful advice.

31 March, 2020 05:59 Share

The author’s greatest failure occurred when he was working all year for a client – an up-and-coming author working on landing a big publishing deal. Toward the very end of the year, the client stopped taking his calls, and just like that, the author had wasted 12 months on someone who’d decided to go with another publisher at the last minute.Now, the easy choice would’ve been to give up and look for another job. Instead, the author used what he’d learned over those 12 months to improve his company in a number of ways. For instance, he realized that he should never focus on just one client, and instead spread his net wide. He also learned never to assume that a client would be appreciative of his work. To minimize the risk, he now asks his clients to explain exactly what it is they want out of the partnership.As important as it is to set future targets for yourself, it’s also critical that the goals you set are attainable. Let’s take a look at how you can achieve this in the next blink.

31 March, 2020 05:59 Share

Set challenging goals, but keep them realistic.

Some targets that we set for ourselves are so unrealistic that even the world’s greatest geniuses wouldn’t be able to attain them. On the flip side, sometimes the goals may be so easy that we lose motivation to try and achieve them because so little effort is required.The key to ensuring high enthusiasm levels is striving for a goal that’s within your capabilities, but one that also requires a reasonable amount of effort.

31 March, 2020 06:04 Share

Let’s say you’re planning to write a book. Winning the Nobel Prize for literature is a desirable goal, but it’s also quite unreasonable for a first-time writer. Furthermore, such an ambitious target could prevent you from starting altogether. Conversely, if you set your sights too low and allow yourself to finish your first draft in 6 months, you’ll end up taking too long and probably never get around to finishing. Instead, find a happy medium, which the author calls the discomfort zone. For example, give yourself three months to finish the first draft, and then another three to complete the second.Setting goals is important, but don’t be delusional.It’s possible to exceed the discomfort zone and break into the delusional zone, if you’re not careful. Just as an athlete who overtrains will end up pulling a muscle, setting delusional targets will result in you undermining yourself.

31 March, 2020 06:04 Share

One example of this is the automobile company General Motors. In 2002, they set a target to obtain 29% of the US market. This absurdly ambitious goal almost bankrupted the company.Employees were required to wear badges with the number 29 on their lapels so that they were constantly reminded of the goal. The staff became so fixated on sales numbers that they sold cars with zero-interest loans – costing the company money and affecting its bottom line. It effectively undermined the business and put the 29% target even further out of reach than when they started the initiative. If General Motors had considered it more thoroughly, they would’ve realized that the goal was delusional and this misadventure would’ve been avoided.

31 March, 2020 06:05 Share

blinkist.com

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blinkist career-success personal-development money-investments
Published by Be Better March 23rd, 2020

The Willpower Instinct

What’s in it for me: discover how you can better wield your willpower to achieve your goals.

In The Willpower Instinct you'll read why you shouldn't deprive yourself of your favorite foods when dieting, and you'll discover why thinking that you hold no prejudices will make you act in a more prejudiced way

23 March, 2020 01:28 Share

Why is willpower important? Research shows that people with stronger willpower are better off in almost every aspect of life: they’re happier and healthier, have more satisfying and long-lasting relationships, are more successful, make more money – and even live longer. In a nutshell, if you want to improve your life, your willpower is a good place to start.

23 March, 2020 01:28 Share

Willpower consists of three forces: I will, I won’t and I want.

Life is full of temptations: you may be offered a chocolate chip cookie right after you've started a diet, or find a pack of cigarettes just as you've resolved to quit smoking. These situations are willpower challenges – a challenge in which your immediate desires fight with your long-term goals. So what makes you able to exert self-control in these situations? The strength of your willpower, which consists of three powers: "I won’t," "I will," and "I want."

23 March, 2020 01:29 Share

You can determine your most important "I won’t" challenge by asking yourself: Which habit that is hurting your health, happiness or career would you most like to give up?

23 March, 2020 01:30 Share

The second element of willpower is your "I will" power – the ability to do what you dislike now for a better future.Your "I will" power helps you accomplish those tasks that are both unpleasant and necessary to achieve your goals – for example, studying to pass exams and get a degree.You can find your most important "I will" challenge by asking yourself: Which habit should you stop putting off in order to improve your life?

23 March, 2020 01:30 Share

Finally, there’s your "I want" power – the capacity to remember what you truly want.What you truly want is what is best for you in the long term – despite present temptations. To resist the present you need a clear long-term goal that guides your actions. It’s this goal that fuels your "I want" power by reminding you what’s at stake.

23 March, 2020 01:31 Share

Meditating increases awareness and helps avoid distractions – which in turn boosts self-control.

This was shown in a study where students were instructed to remember a telephone number while making a choice between which snack to eat during the experiment: chocolate or fruit. The students with their mind distracted chose the chocolate 50 percent more often than a group of students who were given no memorization task.

23 March, 2020 01:32 Share

But there is a way to deal with distractions – by raising your awareness through meditation.Neuroscientists have discovered that people who meditate have more grey matter – indicating higher levels of performance – in the regions of the brain responsible for self-awareness.Meditation cultivates a moment-to-moment self-awareness which helps us realize when we are being distracted and refocus our energy back on the task at hand.In fact, scientists have shown that it only takes three hours of regular meditation to improve self-control and develop a higher attention span, and after 11 hours of practice the changes are already observable in the brain.

23 March, 2020 01:32 Share

In such situations the fruits of meditation can help again: by taking a breath and refocusing your concentration on the long-term goal at hand, you can break the distraction cycle and regain control over your impulses.When your mind is preoccupied you lose significant amounts of willpower. Avoiding decision making when distracted and increasing your self-awareness through meditation can help to save you from willpower failures.

23 March, 2020 01:32 Share

Willpower is a biological instinct that protects us from harm in the long term.

What does a saber-toothed tiger have in common with a chocolate cookie? Each of them can interfere with your goal of a long and healthy life.That’s why evolution has given us the instincts to fight both the saber-toothed tiger and the temptation of a chocolate cookie.You have probably heard of the fight-or-flight response, an instinct that kicks in when we face scary or life-threatening situations. Basically, it’s your body’s built-in ability to devote all its energy to getting your butt out of an emergency.What most of us don't know is that willpower itself is based on a biological instinct.

23 March, 2020 01:33 Share

What does a saber-toothed tiger have in common with a chocolate cookie? Each of them can interfere with your goal of a long and healthy life.That’s why evolution has given us the instincts to fight both the saber-toothed tiger and the temptation of a chocolate cookie.You have probably heard of the fight-or-flight response, an instinct that kicks in when we face scary or life-threatening situations. Basically, it’s your body’s built-in ability to devote all its energy to getting your butt out of an emergency.

23 March, 2020 01:33 Share

What most of us don't know is that willpower itself is based on a biological instinct.One study showed that facing a willpower challenge can activate a specific state in your brain and body that gives you a willpower boost.This state is called the pause-and-plan response, and as its name suggests, it is very different from the fight-or-flight response:While the fight-or-flight response heightens your awareness of an external threat and increases your speed (to avoid the tiger), the pause-and-plan response shifts your focus to the internal conflict between your rational and impulsive selves, and slows you down to help control your impulse (to avoid the cookie).

23 March, 2020 01:33 Share

So how can we strengthen this willpower instinct to better slow down our minds and make the best decisions?By paying close attention to everything that places stress on our minds and body, like anger, anxiety, chronic pain and illness.

23 March, 2020 01:35 Share

there are plenty of ways to improve your stress-resistance and thereby your willpower. Meditation, exercise, a good night's sleep, healthy food and quality time with your family and friends can all help reduce your levels of stress.And getting active outdoors for only five minutes a day will give you a quick willpower boost too – so get out there

23 March, 2020 01:35 Share

Willpower is like a muscle – it can be trained but also overused.

For your willpower, it’s just the same: after flexing your willpower muscle too much you become exhausted and can’t control yourself anymore. And if you hit the willpower gym, you could improve the strength of your willpower muscle.

23 March, 2020 01:36 Share

why does overusing your willpower cause you to run out of it?Because every successful attempt to exert self-control draws from the same limited source. This means that resisting a temptation will not only weaken your ability to avoid other temptations, but also prompt procrastination and other willpower failures. And this willpower exhaustion happens all the time. This is because many daily tasks you would not think of as willpower challenges – having to commute, sit through a boring meeting or choose between 20 brands of shampoo – all draw from our limited daily willpower reserve.

23 March, 2020 01:36 Share

although we are constantly draining our willpower, we can do our best to maintain it at a high level by keeping our blood sugar steady and our energy levels high. Low-glycemic foods such as nuts, cereals, fruits, vegetables and high-fiber grains all contribute to resourcing our willpower.

23 March, 2020 01:37 Share

there is another way of improving our willpower – by training the willpower muscle.Just as it’s possible to train your arm muscle through weight lifting, it’s possible to train your willpower muscle with willpower challenges.By performing small but regular willpower challenges you can gradually improve your self control. For example, keep a forbidden candy jar in an easily visible location you’re never allowed to touch – no matter how tempting it looks. Regularly practicing with this small temptation will train your willpower muscle, which will help you cope when it comes to larger willpower challenges.

23 March, 2020 01:37 Share

Don't indulge in the present because you think you've done well in the past.

Actually, thinking that you are "virtuous" lowers your self-awareness and discipline.This was shown in a study where a group of university students were asked to agree or disagree with strongly sexist statements. Not surprisingly, very few agreed.

23 March, 2020 01:38 Share

A control group then received milder versions of the same sexist statements, and this time many more people agreed.But when both groups had to make a decision in a hypothetical hiring situation, it was paradoxically the students who disagreed with the highly sexist statements who were more likely to discriminate against female candidates than the students from the group who had agreed to the milder versions. And the exact same pattern emerged when racist statements were used.This is because when we feel we are being virtuous enough, we see less need to control ourselves.

23 March, 2020 01:38 Share

Another example of using good past behavior to excuse present bad behavior is when we give ourselves something "bad" as a reward for being good – for example, eating a doughnut after a long workout.However, this is counter-productive: giving yourself a reward which undermines your long-term goal is not a promising strategy for success. So don’t allow your successes to loosen your self-discipline. Otherwise you might find yourself nullifying your progress by allowing your self-indulgent behavior. Instead, stick to a rule which serves your goal, but is not so challenging that you can’t stick to it every single day without failure.

23 March, 2020 01:39 Share

When the reward system of your brain takes over, temptation becomes almost irresistible.

Why do we often feel bad and guilty after satisfying our immediate desires, like buying a new sweater we don’t need, or spending a lazy evening in front of the TV? And why do we do it again and again, despite knowing better?Because your brain’s reward system is not always your friend – and sometimes it leads you in the wrong direction.

23 March, 2020 01:40 Share

The system releases a neurotransmitter called dopamine which activates the areas of the brain responsible for attention, motivation and action. These dopamine releases can be triggered by anything we have associated with feeling good: a 70-percent-off sale sign at a mall, the smell of a rib-eye steak (or a vegan burger), or an attractive face smiling at you. And when this dopamine is released, the object that pulled the trigger immediately becomes very desirable – even if it’s against our long-term interest, like unhealthy food, internet binges, binge drinking or one night stands. This is why we engage in activities that seem to be irresistible at first glance, but afterward leave us feeling guilty and dissatisfied. Our prehistoric ancestors, however, were not troubled by this reward mechanism. In fact, being attracted to sweet things was to their advantage, as sweet fruit and berries were a crucial part of their diet. Our ancestors were also more free to pursue sexual impulses without modern-day societal constraints. But even though this impulsive mechanism isn’t as useful in our day and age, it’s still there, and we have to make sure it doesn’t push us toward unhealthy or unwise choices

23 March, 2020 01:40 Share

combining unpleasant tasks with something that gets your dopamine firing. For example, bring your boring paperwork to your favorite café and finish it over a delicious cup of hot chocolate.

23 March, 2020 01:41 Share

Feeling bad undermines willpower by triggering cravings and high expectations.

Stress is one of the biggest threats to your willpower because it induces dreaded cravings.How?Stress makes you feel bad about yourself, which motivates you to do something to make yourself feel better.Unfortunately sometimes the easiest way to feel better is by doing the very thing you’ll later feel bad about.For example, losing money at the casino can make you feel so upset that you continue gambling in order to win a game – and thereby relieve the stress.But this impulse might actually lead you to greater and greater risks, and eventually lose you a fortune.So how can you overcome this? When you feel stressed, don’t give in to immediate cravings. Instead try out stress-relief strategies that have a more sustainable effect, like exercise or meditation. These activities might involve more effort, but will leave you with a feeling of satisfaction, not guilt.

23 March, 2020 01:42 Share

don’t make unrealistic resolutions to counter stress – you’re more likely to give up early.

23 March, 2020 01:42 Share

for the higher we set our goal, the more difficult it is to stay on track. Failure to meet our expectations then leads us to frustration, guilt and self-doubt, and soon we typically abandon our efforts altogether.To avoid this fate, remember: when you fail to achieve your goals, don’t despair. Just forgive yourself and try again.

23 March, 2020 01:43 Share

When we are too focused on the present moment, we make bad long-term decisions.

We don’t see our future selves as ourselves, but as distant, different people. Our brain perceives them as strangers due to our inability to observe their thoughts and feelings.This can lead to us putting off tasks, hoping that our future-self will have more willpower to deal with them – or even worse, racking up debt and hoping our future selves will be able to pay.These hopes lead nowhere because your future-self is not different from your present self, and will also struggle when facing challenges, be it mustering the willpower to do an unpleasant task or balancing the budget

23 March, 2020 01:43 Share

: imagine your future-self thinking back on the decisions you are making today and their consequences.

23 March, 2020 01:44 Share

When a tempting object is staring right at you, resistance often feels futile because the reward system in our brain reacts so strongly to visible rewards.Why?Because visible rewards make us overestimate the benefits of instant gratification and underestimate the value of exerting self-control. This leads us to make decisions that our future selves later regret.

23 March, 2020 01:44 Share

temptation becomes weaker if you then create some distance between you and the object – for example, by making it less visible or more difficult to reach.This was shown in a study where office workers had access to candy. When the candy was placed out of sight inside a desk drawer instead of on the top of the table, the subjects’ candy consumption was reduced by one third.

23 March, 2020 01:44 Share

Attempts to push aside unwanted desires actually make them stronger.

for the next five minutes don't think about white bears. Can you do it? Most people fail in this task. Even though we never usually think about white bears, if you actively try to not think about them, it becomes almost impossible to stop. The same is true for your cravings: though suppression might seem to work at first, it actually makes them worse.This was shown by one researcher who believed that thought suppression compels us to do the very thing we are trying to not think about

23 March, 2020 01:45 Share

So how can you overcome cravings without pushing them away?When you’re on a diet, don’t deprive yourself of your favorite foods because it will only increase your cravings.Instead of deciding "you won't" eat fast food or cupcakes, devote your energy to the idea that "you will" eat more healthy food. A decline in unhealthy food will automatically follow and you'll have a much easier time sticking to such a positive challenge.Another way to overcome cravings is by merely observing them: When the unwanted urge appears, allow yourself to notice it. Observe your breath and what you are feeling. Then imagine the urge is a cloud which dissolves and passes on by.

23 March, 2020 01:45 Share

This technique, inspired by mindfulness traditions, is especially useful if you want to rid yourself of an unpleasant habit like smoking.

23 March, 2020 01:45 Share

Willpower is contagious: our social environment can increase and decrease our willpower.

tudies showed that if we observe other people acting impulsively, we are more likely to be impulsive ourselves and neglect our long-term goals for a pleasurable moment. What's more, the more we like the person observed, the stronger this effect is, and the more willpower we lose.

23 March, 2020 01:45 Share

who we interact with influences our beliefs, goals and actions to a remarkable degree. And even characteristics like a strong or weak willpower can be "picked up" from our social context.

23 March, 2020 01:45 Share

his mechanism can also be harnessed for good, for example, with dieting: research shows that having a close friend or family member who recently lost a lot of weight increases your chances of also losing weight.

23 March, 2020 01:45 Share

do you know someone you admire for their willpower? Try thinking about them more often – because research shows that just thinking about someone with good self-control increases your own willpower.Another way of harnessing the force of willpower contagion is to get friends and family involved with your willpower challenges.

23 March, 2020 01:45 Share

So if you and your loved ones share a willpower challenge, make it a group project!

23 March, 2020 01:46 Share

Final Summary

By learning how to concentrate on our long-term goals, maintain our willpower supply and train our willpower muscle, we can gain greater control over our bad habits – and live more fulfilling lives.

23 March, 2020 01:46 Share

Keep close track of how you are managing your willpower challenges.For at least one day, try to observe your decisions very closely. Were there situations you could have avoided to better maintain your willpower supply? Were there times when you gave in to an impulse because you lost sight of your long-term goal? Pinpoint your weaknesses and visualize yourself overcoming them.

23 March, 2020 01:46 Share

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