Better's Blinkist

What’s in it for me? Help yourself be a better helper.

But why does it so often go wrong? How is it possible that the man who tries to rescue a burning house is sued for damages? Why do patients get angry with their doctors? Why is workplace collaboration sometimes fraught with tension? We’re often called upon to help in our daily lives, and the experience can be unsatisfactory for both the helper and the person being helped.

22 August, 2019 08:47 Share

Helping is intrinsic to human society, and we don’t always recognize it.

Just like in a game of soccer, helping is intrinsic to many aspects of our lives. In fact, it’s so ingrained in our every-day lives that we tend to forget just how important it is. Just think of your workplace. If you couldn’t rely on getting help from your colleagues when you need it, or they from you, you probably wouldn’t be able to accomplish much.

22 August, 2019 08:49 Share

Human relationships are a lot like economics, even when we’re helping each other.

Although it sounds counterintuitive, helping resembles an economic exchange, too. Consider the dynamics at work in the following scenario. If you offered money to a homeless person so they could buy themselves food, you might expect some kind of thanks – even just a grateful nod. And if they didn’t acknowledge your help at all, the whole equilibrium of the "helping relationship" would’ve been upset. Therefore, it’d be necessary to "compensate" for your loss of face, either by consoling yourself with your moral worth or by criticizing the homeless person. You might reassure yourself that you are a good person for acting so charitably or bitterly think of the homeless person as an ungrateful wretch.

22 August, 2019 08:52 Share

Helping – and receiving help – can be problematic.

Conversely, helping transfers status onto the helper, and this can be equally counterproductive. It’s very difficult to say "I don’t know how to help" because when we help people we feel empowered. It’s difficult to refuse the sense of one-upmanship that helping grants us. For instance, if you’re asked to solve a computer malfunction and you don’t know how, it can be tempting to try to fix it anyway. Of course, if you lack the expertise, you might end up making things worse! As helping opens up the possibility of an ego-boosting social encounter, it’s difficult to say no – even when our help might be worse than useless.

22 August, 2019 08:55 Share

As helpers, we can sometimes be seriously unhelpful.

When you’re too eager to help someone, you might fail to see the extent of their problem or even misidentify their problem entirely. This is because people who request help might really be testing the waters and hiding a more serious difficulty that they actually require help with. For instance, if your child asks for help with his homework, it could mean that you immediately jump in to help without a second thought. But if he is still emotionally distraught after you’ve helped him, it could be that the problem wasn’t the homework at all, but perhaps something bigger, like being bullied at school, that he’s disguising.

22 August, 2019 09:01 Share

Another way that we can be unintentionally unhelpful is when we pressure people into taking our help. There are times when, though someone requests help and we’re certain that our advice or practical assistance is just the right thing for them, it’ll actually make things worse. And because the person who requested help doesn’t want to offend, they’ll let us continue regardless. For instance, people may let a friend give them an impromptu massage when they complain of a stiff neck, but are too polite to say when the amateurish masseuse makes it worse.

22 August, 2019 09:02 Share

To find out how to help someone, it’s best to begin with a humble inquiry.

We’re sometimes reminded that we’ve got two ears and one mouth. Or in other words, that we’d be better off listening more and talking less. Helping people is all about listening. But before we listen, we first need to make a humble inquiry. To avoid the misunderstandings intrinsic to helping, it is best first to inquire. As we’ve already seen, the problem that we’re presented with often isn’t the full story. By inquiring in an open-minded way we can tease out the rest.

22 August, 2019 09:02 Share

One of the other crucial functions of this inquiry is to put the helper and client on an equal footing. For instance, when a weakened hospital patient needs assistance to reach their bedpan, if we communicate with humility, we can help them more effectively. Rather than bossing them around in a humiliating fashion, it’s better to ask them if they are comfortable or ready to take the next step. By attempting to alleviate the loss of status, we create a helping relationship that allows the patient to move more confidently.

22 August, 2019 09:03 Share

Another objective of the humble inquiry is to restore confidence in the person seeking help so that they might begin to help themselves. For example, a child might be embarrassed to tell their parents that they’re not able to tie their shoelaces. But by restoring their self-esteem – perhaps by asking them if they knew that we all find it difficult to tie shoelaces at first – they might attempt the knot with more confidence.

22 August, 2019 09:03 Share

Final summary

Social dynamics complicate the way we help each other. When we receive help, we suffer a loss of status and self-esteem, while providing help gives us the upper hand in a way that can be counterproductive. To successfully assist others, we should be sensitive to these dynamics. As help-givers, it’s best to inquire with humility about the problems we’re attempting to solve.

22 August, 2019 09:04 Share